The Four Horsemen: How to Spot the Behaviors That Could Harm Your Relationship.
I've always been fascinated by what makes love last. It’s a question that feels as old as time, and one that most of us are trying to answer. I used to believe that love was a magical, mysterious force that either worked or it didn't. But after reading the groundbreaking work of Dr. John Gottman, I realized that love is not magic. It is a science.
For decades, Dr. Gottman and his team studied thousands of couples in his famous "Love Lab," observing their interactions to see what made them either masters or disasters of relationships. What he discovered was a simple truth: the difference between couples who stay together and those who don't is not in how much they love each other, but in how they treat each other. It all comes down to a few key behaviors that can either build a relationship or burn it to the ground.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Gottman identified four destructive behaviors that are the biggest predictors of divorce. He called them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." And if you can learn to spot them in your own dating life, you'll be able to save yourself a lot of heartache.
Criticism: This is an attack on a person's character, not a complaint about a specific action. A complaint would be, "I'm upset that you didn't call me back." A criticism would be, "You are so thoughtless; you never call me back." This behavior makes your partner feel attacked and rejected.
Contempt: This is the most dangerous of all the Horsemen. Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that makes your partner feel despised. It's rolling your eyes, mocking them, or calling them names. It’s a sign of a lack of respect in a relationship, and Gottman found that it is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness: This is the natural response to criticism. When a person feels attacked, they will try to defend themselves with excuses or counter-complaints. But defensiveness only escalates the conflict.
Stonewalling: This happens when a person withdraws from a conversation. They may physically leave the room, or they may just shut down and stop engaging. This behavior is often a sign that a person is feeling overwhelmed and trying to self-soothe, but it leaves their partner feeling rejected and unheard.
The Magic Ratio
So, if all couples have conflict, what makes a relationship last? Gottman discovered a simple and beautiful rule: the magic ratio. In stable, happy relationships, there are at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during conflict. This means that even when a couple is arguing, they are also laughing, teasing, and showing signs of affection. They have a deep, underlying emotional connection that acts as a buffer against any negativity.
Bids for Connection
The magic ratio is built on something Gottman calls "bids for connection." A bid for connection is any small, everyday attempt a person makes to get their partner's attention. It can be as simple as pointing out something funny, asking a question, or a simple touch on the arm. A person's response to these bids is a powerful indicator of the health of their relationship.
Turning Toward: When a person turns toward a bid for connection, they are responding with interest and affection. This builds trust and intimacy.
Turning Away: When a person turns away, they are ignoring the bid. This can be as simple as looking at your phone while your partner is talking to you. This behavior erodes trust over time.
Turning Against: When a person turns against a bid, they are responding with sarcasm or hostility. This is the most destructive response and can kill a connection instantly.
In the end, what I learned from Dr. Gottman's research is that love is not a mystery. It is a decision to show up for your partner, to listen to them, and to treat them with respect. It is about building a foundation of emotional connection that can weather any storm. And in our modern dating lives, it is a reminder that the best relationships are built not by chance, but by intention.