A Matchmaker's Journey: The 5 Non-Negotiables I Live By

I used to think that finding a person was like playing a game of chance. You meet someone, you hope for the best, and you just see where the wind takes you. My gates were always down, just hoping a magical love story would walk through them. I would say yes to dates with men who were great, but not great for me. I was dating with hope, not with intention. It was a strategy that, as you can probably imagine, led to a lot of time wasted and a lot of dead end roads.

It took a little bit of heartbreak and a lot of self reflection to realize that love is not a lottery ticket. It is an intentional, purposeful decision that is made by two people who are aligned. I had to get naked, in a metaphorical sense, to figure out who I really was and what I truly needed in a partner. It was in that process of stripping away my old ideas about love that I discovered my five non-negotiables, the unshakable foundation that a lasting relationship simply cannot do without.

My first non-negotiable became core values. It is a simple concept, but it is the soul of a relationship. It is that feeling of knowing deep in your gut that the person you are with shares your moral compass. We do not need to agree on every single thing; in fact, a little bit of spirited disagreement keeps things interesting. But we must be aligned on our core beliefs: how we view honesty, integrity, and what a fulfilled life looks like. Research from the University of Illinois backs this up, showing that couples who share similar values are not only happier but also more resilient when life inevitably gets tough.

Next came life goals and ambition. For us high achievers, this is everything. This is not about finding someone who makes the same amount of money or works in the same industry. It is about finding someone who understands the fire that burns within you. It is a non-negotiable to find a partner who is on their own journey of growth and impact, someone who is your teammate in life. It is someone who understands your dreams and is cheering you on. The right person will feel like a partner in crime, ready to tackle the world with you.

Then I realized communication style was a huge one. We all want a good communicator, but what does that really mean? It means a person who is willing to have hard conversations with kindness. It means someone who listens to understand, not just to respond. A study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that healthy communication is a stronger predictor of a couple's happiness than compatibility on any other factor. This non-negotiable is about finding a person who is emotionally available and who can be with you, truly with you, in all of life’s moments.

Financial compatibility may sound unromantic, but it is a non-negotiable. It is not about how much money is in the bank; it is about how you both view money. Are you a saver and he is a spender? Do you believe in investing for the future while he lives for today? Money is a leading cause of conflict in relationships, and a shared financial philosophy is a sign of a strong partnership. It allows you to build a secure future without constant stress and arguments.

Finally, respect for your autonomy and support networks. I learned the hard way that a partner who wants to be with you 24/7 is not romantic, it is a red flag. The right person for you will celebrate your friendships and family bonds. They will understand that you are a whole and complete person with a vibrant life outside of your relationship. Psychologists find that relationships thrive when both partners maintain their individual identities and support systems. A non-negotiable is a partner who is a champion of your life, not a person who tries to shrink your world to fit into their own.

So, while I still love a "meet cute" story as much as the next girl, I have learned that the real fairy tale is being intentional about finding the person whose non-negotiables align with yours. When you are clear on who you are and what you need, those golden gates of love begin to open not by chance, but by design.